I sit here, racing through my mind are all of the things I have to do before Saturday when I get married...
I'm excited to get married to my fiance, along with that though are so many thoughts about finally getting to the day when I can shed of yet more of my abused past...I finally get to get rid of the last name of my past abuser that has reminded me often of that time! I will no longer be that victim, that wife, that ex-wife...I will no longer be connected through name with my abuser!
This in itself is not understandable fully to those that have not been through Domestic Violence...yet I know that there are many out there that have who will understand the euphoria that I feel at this time! And the introspective thoughts and feelings that I'm feeling at this time as well...
I could have changed my name at any time to my maiden name...yet that again is someone of the past that I did not want to take on again. It feels like chapters of my life finally being closed!
Purple is the main color of our wedding...not only is it my favorite color but it also is there in honor of the color of Domestic Violence Awareness. Butterflies and crosses are our theme...symbolizing not only the resurrection of Jesus, but also the resurrection that He has brought to us through His selfless gift of His life and death and resurrection.
The butterfly...the cocoon...the metamorphosis into the butterfly each one of us can be! There's been times that I feel I've become that butterfly, yet there's been many times I feel that I'm still in that cocoon, transforming, being molded into the butterfly that has yet to emerge. Getting married, that, I feel, is yet another transformation within that cocoon and I can't wait to emerge soon into that butterfly! Ooohhh, so much that I would love to accomplish!
I can't wait until Saturday...I have decided to make all of our items for the tables and for our friends and family that will come to support us. While making these items, I have plans on using them again after the wedding towards DV Awareness. DV Awareness, I feel, doesn't have to be all about the pain and the suffering that many of us go through while being abused, but also about the fact that it can be overcome!!! The cycle can be stopped!!! Us "Survivors" can have happiness again!!!
I plan on giving a speech at our reception...please pray that I can get through it! I HATE talking in public! LOL I want to share with them these feelings and more...I want them to understand why this day is not only important for me as a "Survivor", but also for my fiance as a past addict! Oh the road we have traveled to get to this day! Talk about Amazing Grace!!! It is only by the Grace of God that we are making it to this day!
Sisters, don't give up!!! If any of you are sitting there reading this and you have not come to a place of living again, know that you too can make it! If I can, anyone can!!! We aren't supposed to live with inglings of the past, and through time, as if in a cocoon being transformed, you too will have parts of your life better left behind shed from you!
For those of you that are Advocates or supporting someone that is going through or has been through Domestic Violence, Support is soooo important! None of us have all the answers...None of us can take that mantel from the victim to transform them into the butterfly we all know they can be...Yet all of us can Support those going through their transformation to become that butterfly they are yet to be! It can take years...it can be nerve racking...believe me, I've met other "Survivors" and one thing we all hold on to dearly is independence. This sometimes hurts us more than helps us, yet, every one of us truly appreciate the Support of a patient friend who doesn't give up to us and loves us no matter what mistakes we may make.
I just wanted to share some of these feelings with you...and pray that it reaches someone that needs to read this. I know I'm not the first to remarry after abuse, and I have to wonder how they felt through this time? Did they tear up when they think/feel the euphoria of the transformation? If you have gone through this time please, share your feelings! It is soooo important that we share our triumphs and not always the bad!
God Bless & Keep You Safe! Thank You for supporting me through the years...you also play a part in my Transformation!
~Angel Hugz~
Tracy
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