Thinking Back…

I've been thinking back a lot to my past abuse. Not dwelling on the abuse itself or getting upset by it at all…just thinking back and looking at my situation and realizing some key facts about my abuse in the early 90's with my husband and my abuse later in the 90's with my boyfriend…

There was abuse earlier in my life, and past boyfriends that abused me, but these are the main 2 I've been thinking about and really looking at since I remember them better than my earlier abuse.

I see that with my abuse with my husband, everything went sooo fast! I met my husband, and shortly after meeting him moved in with him. We shared the same birthday, different year, so that was a sign right?? That meant that we were meant for each other yes?? Yeah…NOT!

I wish I knew then what I know now…I wish I knew the signs of early abuse, the signs of an abuser bringing you in. I was totally oblivious to any early signs, I've been through other abusive relationships and this one was different! He said he loved me! He apologized when he upset me! He might have pinched me here; or yelled at me there; or went out in a rage and have that rage turn towards me when I tried to help. He always apologized and gave me gifts to show how sorry he was! This was different right?

Looking back…I see so many signs that should have red flagged me into not marrying him(we married at the Justice of the Peace…yet within that marriage he even stated 'Under God', God was involved within our vows, yet not within our lives), not staying with him at all. Not only did I stay, not only did I marry him, but I had a child with him. Oh, he was so enraged when he found out I was pregnant!!!! He couldn't have children! There was no way, he was exposed to Agent Orange and he was sterile! (btw, he was never exposed to anything…his story on being in the military and everything he did within it was a lie…his own invention in his mind…) His rage towards the fact that I was pregnant and him punching me in the stomach several times while I tried to curl into a fetal position to protect my stomach should have woken me up!

Of course, the fact that I was now living in the middle of no-where on a mountain in Virginia sort of had a part in this…I had no-where to go! I was estranged from my parents and family…I didn't have any friends at all at this point…I was stuck and he knew it! At that time I wasn't even working!

Thankfully, the baby came out fine…he wasn't in the least happy to have a son! Oh, he took pictures with him and smiled, and always smiled and showed him off when we were in public or with his Mother…but at home he didn't want anything to do with him and was very upset when he had to change his diapers. In fact, when he did, he would pull on our son's privates while cleaning him and make him cry. This was every time he cleaned him…and this is a point that I never really thought about other then it upset me that he did that and I thought he did it because he was hoping I would stop asking him to clean him so he couldn't do it anymore….

The yelling; the isolation; the financial deprivation; the head locks; the head going through a wall; the bruises; the punches; the rapes (unbeknownst to me at the time, there was much more to this than I knew which I'll share another time); the abuse…I was a mess! I was alone! I had no one to turn to or talk to or anything but him!

I was raised a Roman Catholic…I even went to private school until 7th grade…and yet, God was no-where in my situation! I didn't cry to Him…I didn't feel Him with me (although now I see that He was there all the time)…I was totally alone! My husband believed that 'the Bible was the greatest work of fiction ever created by man' and believed that God was just a made up creation of man and there was nothing to it.

When I got out of the abusive situation, a lot happened…a lot of bad things until I moved back in with my parents whom I barely knew anymore…yet through it all I didn't turn to God… in fact I was sooo mad at Him for everything that I didn't even want to hear His name!

During this time of being mad at God, I would have people walking up to me in the store and out in public, asking me if I knew God and trying to give me a pamphlet or wanting to tell me about God. I would feel rage build up every time this happened, which was 3 times. 3 times I denied wanting to hear about God and feeling enraged that they even came up to me to talk about Him. 3 times God sent an Angel my way, and I turned them and Him away out of anger…

Then I got with my next abuser…the lies, the financial issues when he stole money and we couldn't pay rent or get my son a Christmas…finding out he was addicted to Pot and Cocaine when I didn't even know he did drugs (there were signs, yet again, I didn't know them to realize what was going on). The physical abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse…and at first I didn't have God with me…but I finally found Him again!

I can't remember when I finally started crying out to Him because I couldn't cry out to anyone else. I didn't want anyone else to know what was going on because I didn't want to share how bad it really was. I was ashamed…I didn't want anyone to know that I got myself into yet another abusive relationship. Everything on the outside to everyone was fine, was happy even! Inside, within our relationship, it was anything but.

I got pregnant, and we had a baby girl. At first, he didn't want to believe it was his, but he got over that. The drugs continued, the abuse continued, yet this time was different…

My faith started to grow…I started talking to God more…I started standing on the truth that He was always with me and that He was there for ME! Little old me, sitting in a broken down rental with 2 children and an abusive boyfriend. He was there for ME!!!!!!!!!!! That fact, that bit of knowledge that He would even be there for insignificant Me just really mind blowing!

I talked to my boyfriend about God, about what he believed and we shared our beliefs…He believed in God, but he lost Him over the years, just like I did but for much different reasons. We started sharing more and more about God…the abuse got less…the drugs got less…we started going to church and reaching out just a little and were accepted! That meant so much to me…the fact that people we don't know would accept us just as we were and were there for us!

Broken down, beaten, tossed aside by society, and we were accepted by Christians who were so much better off than we were!! We were living in sin…we were sinners and we were accepted and guided in the churches that we went to during our moves and times! (unfortunately, we ended up moving a lot due to him continuing with drugs and losing jobs and us loosing homes)

Yet, through the last abuse I was NOT alone! I had strength that I've never had before because I KNEW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGH IT ALL!!!!!!!! What a difference that made!!! Not only was I accepted, but so was my boyfriend. Accepted by those that we feared would look down on us, we feared even being around! It meant so much to him that he was accepted by people that were good, that didn't want something from him...that didn't want him to do something or be something before being accepted. This changed our lives!!!

Looking back…I remember the fear, the pain, the heart ache, the feeling of being totally alone during my earlier abuse…and I never have to feel like that again! I don't have to cry all night long and feel like I have no one to turn too or cry too. I don't have to sit in not only the pain of the latest abuse, but the pain of feeling like no-one cares and the feeling of shame…

Looking back…I can see such a difference in having God in my life! In our lives! Yes, there were still bad times…but I wasn't alone! I cried out to Him, I learned to share with others what was going on so that I didn't have to go through it by myself and receive help…just learning to receive that help was a mountain of its own!

Looking back…I just know that my first abuse was horrible in so many different ways…and I don't want anyone to ever feel like that! It's HORRIBLE!!!! I'm tearing up just thinking about how bad it was without Him in my life, and the tears aren't for me, but for those that are going through that right now, and I know it's many…

The fact that I'm NEVER alone, that He is ALWAYS with me is such a comfort! The fact that He loves ME no matter what changes so much within me! This is what victims need to know! This is something that NEEDS to be shared to victims!

Fellow brothers and sisters in Christ…love on those that you feel are abused or broken! The Love of Christ can truly change their lives and save them not only from abuse, but from themselves as well!

Looking back…I'm so thankful for those first Christians that reached out to me and my family…I'm so thankful that there were those that took the time to invest in our lives to help guide us towards Him. I just pray that this happens more and more and more victims are saved…

~Angel Hugz~

   ~Tracy~