Forgiving Our Abusers

This is such a touchy subject, and something that is so hard to do…

Last week I was speaking to a friend of mine and she was asking about some of my past…she is not a survivor of abuse yet works for abused children so understands to an extent what abuse is like.  She was surprised that I have been able to forgive my abusers like I have, and that really got me thinking…

So many of us really struggle with forgiving our abusers, I know I did!  Let me tell you, it wasn’t something I did over night, and honestly, the end result I don’t even think I did myself…

Matthew 6:14 (NKJV)

14“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Many of us have read this and cringed…I know I’ve read this in the past and had to say “yeah, right” in my head many a time.  Forgive someone that beat on me?  Forgive someone that raped me?  Forgive someone that lied to me over and over?  Forgive someone that hurt me so bad I didn’t know if I’d even live?  Yep!

There’s a lot of healing that has to happen for us to be able to forgive, but I truly believe that we can’t complete our healing until we have forgiven our abusers.  It’s a step in our healing process that has to happen!  It’s hard, but it can be done!

I think what really helped me in being able to forgive my abusers is understanding why they abused.  They were over stressed and un-supported and were doing the best that they could with issues I didn’t understand as a child… Mental issues that I couldn’t see and had no way to understand the signs of… Unknown addiction and past abuse that was still dictating how someone was living today…  Not excuses, not reasons to abuse, but they certainly contributed to why my abusers abused me.  Understanding they “why” of the matter helped me understand that it wasn’t me.  There wasn’t something wrong with me.  I wasn’t an abuser magnet.  I didn’t have “abuse me” written across my forehead…

Being able to forgive my abusers and let go of the past abuse lifted such a weight from me!  Going through all the different abuses I’ve gone through and able to say, “Yes, I forgive that” is such a blessing!  I can look back and it doesn’t hurt!  I usually never think about the past abuse, yet I haven’t forgotten it totally.  I don’t feel I ever will, if I did, could I still state I’ve learned from it and can make sure it’ll never happen again?  Hmm…something to continue healing on maybe?

Looking back…I never made a conscious decision such as “I’m going to forgive so-and-so for this and that…”  it truly just happened!  Going through the healing process… learning about forgiving… understanding how important forgiveness is not just because we need to forgive and are told to forgive but because it’s healthier for us and better for us over all… understanding more about abuse and why it happens… learning more about myself and becoming stronger within myself and understanding and knowing myself… all of this believe it or not works towards forgiveness!  Words don’t hurt anymore (or at least a whole lot less) when you know without a doubt they have no basis of truth!  “You’re fat and ugly and no-one could ever love you but me” doesn’t hold as much weight when you’ve healed and love yourself, know you are loved by God, your children and others, and find yourself even liking how you look!  Healing!

Wherever you are in your healing process, know that you’ll get there!  Have patience with yourself!  Don’t ever listen to anyone that tells you that you should be over something already!  You will get there when you are ready to get there within your own healing process! 

The hardest thing for us that have been abused is going over and over within our minds the abuse that we’ve been through.  Too many times this brings us pain and brings back the feelings of abuse even years later.  If you find yourself doing this, start telling yourself after each even that “I forgive” that event!  Ok, so you’ll be lying to yourself at first lol  You’ll so feel anything but forgiveness at the beginning…but little by little you’ll start feeling better and better and find yourself actually forgiving those events that have happened to you! 

We all heal differently, find something that works for you!  Pray that God will give you the peace and wisdom within your quest for healing and He will!  The most important thing during this process is staying connected not only to yourself but to God, and when you become overwhelmed giving it to Him to hold…His shoulders are sooooo much bigger than ours!  He can handle it!  Don’t overwhelm yourself, you don’t have to heal overnight, and quite frankly, you can’t.  Yet over time you can get there!

When we hold onto our past abuse, we give power to our abusers without realizing it.  Sadly, most of the time we aren’t even with our abusers any more and I can guarantee you our abusers aren’t thinking about us or caring how we’re feeling!  Take the power back!

I pray that you find peace, healing and a smooth path towards Forgiveness!

Keep working towards healing Sisters!!!

~Angel Hugz~

   ~Tracy~