Forgiving Our Abusers

This is such a touchy subject, and something that is so hard to do…

Last week I was speaking to a friend of mine and she was asking about some of my past…she is not a survivor of abuse yet works for abused children so understands to an extent what abuse is like.  She was surprised that I have been able to forgive my abusers like I have, and that really got me thinking…

So many of us really struggle with forgiving our abusers, I know I did!  Let me tell you, it wasn’t something I did over night, and honestly, the end result I don’t even think I did myself…

Matthew 6:14 (NKJV)

14“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Stepping out in Faith…

I’ve found myself struggling with what to post on this blog…I know that this blog is needed, that so many survivors struggle with their beliefs, so many struggle through their healing…

We started this blog so that we can share what we’ve been through, what we’ve learned, in hopes that it would help someone else that may be struggling through by themselves…yet have found myself struggling as to what to post, how to post, yada yada yada…

So, I’ve come to the realization that I’m just going to post what God brings to mind for me to do so!  I’m taking me out the the equation, I’m just holding myself back at this point.  I’m going to let God work through me and share the messages that need to be shared…

I’ve been struggling with the thoughts of I’m not qualified, I don’t have credentials or credits or classes or whatever in order to do anything worth it to anyone…but I’m finally realizing that I was wrong!  God picks us and guides us to do what He wants us to do!  He picks those that are perfect for the job, he doesn’t just pick out of the elite, the professionals, he picks those that have something inside them that is needed for the message to be delivered.  He picked fishermen to become apostles, why wouldn’t he pick me to carry His word to those healing from DV??

So, I’m putting me behind myself, I’m stepping out and will be sharing what I feel lead to share without worrying about who may say what.  This is what I feel God is demanding of me, and this is what I will do…I will step out in faith in hopes that what I share will touch someone and help them through their healing…

Does It Really Work?

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Lifetime Daily Devotions

7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Does It Really Work?

This is a comment from someone who was hurting intensely--in a different way than you are hurting, perhaps. These are the results as she carried through on 1 Peter 5:7. She read it. She believed it. She acted on it.

Dear Anabel

Yesterday's note about tying up the package was just great, Anabel. I thought of every concern and fear about the disastrous situation I was in; what the consequences might be, both positive and negative; the kids, me, my husband; the years behind and the tragic events of those years, the uncertainty of the years ahead . . . so many dreams, so many hopes, so many unknowns.

I boxed it all up (in my mind), put everything in, wrapped it, and tied it securely. Then I actually drove down to the beach. I met Jesus in a very secluded spot, gave it all to Him, and He walked off with it.

I remind myself that He has it and I am not to fret about it. When I do get uptight, I close my eyes and I see again the picture of Jesus walking away from me with that wrapped package under His arm. Relief springs up from within and I find myself rejoicing . . . way down deep.

HE WILL BE AS REAL TO ME AS I

ALLOW HIM TO BE.

 

I love this way of looking at it!!  I’ve shared before how I’ve given all my baggage to God because He has much broader shoulders then I do and can carry so much more, but I really love how this visual can make doing so so much easier! 

It’s hard to give up all your problems to Him, we always want to hold onto it and stress, fret, and worry about those things that we so want to give to Him, but are so used to worrying about ourselves.  Don’t worry if you do this at first!  We all do! lol  It takes practice to be able to let that all go and come to peace with your situation.

Spiritual Growth

I’m going through a course called “Soul Care” from Christian Courses and today I came to a lesson where the discussion afterwards was about “An ongoing controversy in Christian circles centers on whether a look at the realities below the waterline is really necessary for true spiritual growth.”  Thankfully I was within the group that was to argue the point that you do indeed have to look below the waterline.  I feel compelled to share this here…

While working on this I had to get a turkey in for dinner, and God shared with me an analogy that I am still sitting and laughing about, thanking Him for the insight and comic relief...

You wouldn't bake a turkey without knowing what's in it first would you?  When you get a turkey from the store, they place the bags of the "extras" within the cavity of the turkey, both front and back you may say.  These need to be dealt with and taken out of the turkey before cooking it or quite frankly, the turkey just won't taste so good now would it?  You wouldn't want to present this turkey at a Thanksgiving feast after having cooked it with these "extras" still included would you?  You take the extras out; they are not wanted when cooking a turkey!  Not only that, but what if that turkey is still frozen, doesn't it take longer to cook?  Don't you have to put the heat on lower to give that turkey time to thaw out so that you can then put the spices and dressings on and crank the heat up so that it can finally get cooking?

It's the same with us!  We all have "extras" stuffed in hidden places within us.  We all have undesirables that need to be known at least of ourselves and dealt with before we can proclaim ourselves presentable and ready to be baked.  We all have things to work on within ourselves, the realities that we all face below the waterline that we have to deal with while we thaw out and get ready to get baking and grow spiritually.  Just as we wouldn't want to present that turkey at Thanksgiving after cooking it with the "extras" still in, we wouldn't want to present ourselves with our "extras" still in when we come to our time of judgment.  We have to look at the realities below the waterline so that we may know what they are and work on clearing them out!

We are all vessels of the Holy Spirit.  We are all striving to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that it can work through us.  If we are stuffed with "extras" how is that leaving room to be filled by the good things?  It takes up room that we need to be filled by the Holy Spirit and inhibits us from Spiritual Growth!  When you are filled with these "extras", when you are filled up by undesirables, what comes out when you get bumped?  What comes out when you go through a rough time or hit a bump in the road?  These "extras" do indeed affect us, and instead of the Holy Spirit coming out of us when someone cuts us off at the intersection, those "extras" have a tendency to flow out instead.  Instead of feeling at peace that God is with you and that even if you are facing a difficult situation God will indeed see you through, if you are filled with doubt and worry instead of peace of mind, how can you grow spiritually?  What are you filled with?  What comes out of you when you get bumped?  What thoughts go through your mind when you are going through troubling times?

If you are having issues yourself with past abuse, rape, anorexia, cheating, whatever the case may be, this indeed hinders your spiritual growth and becoming more Christ like if they aren't dealt with affectively.  If you are having feelings of inadequacy, if you are going through a tough time in life and just aren't dealing with it very well, if you are questioning your belief in God and how He is working in your life, how can you grow spiritually?  These are all realities that are stuffed within us, hiding from plain site, that do indeed need to be dealt with before we can grow spiritually!

If we look inside ourselves and find ourselves questioning our Christianity, small questions that we hide because we want to look "Christian" to the outside world, how are we to grow spiritually?  Questions such as "Where was God while I was going through the abuse?"  "How come God didn't help me not have to go through my job loss?"  "Why did God let me get cancer?"  Small questions that are indeed big, things within ourselves that stops us from growing spiritually.  If we go to church on Sunday because we're supposed too, if we wear the mask of Christianity because that's what we feel others expect to see; if we say our prayers, do our devotionals, and go to church because we feel that's what good Christians do, how are we growing spiritually?

As looking below the waterline pertains to Soul Care, and actually helping someone and supporting them through their issues to grow spiritually, they first have to have an understanding of what realities they are dealing with and how they pertain to themselves and their feelings towards God.  Too often people blame God for their troubles.  Too often people turn away from God because of what they are going through instead of turning towards Him and giving Him their troubles so that they can affectively live through Him.  These realities that are going through deep inside hinder their spiritual growth!

James 1:23-25 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

In order to follow this, we have to look inside ourselves at the reality of what we are doing and if we are indeed following Christ so that we may grow spiritually.  If we don't look in that mirror, if we don't look what's going on deep inside us and at the realities of who we are and what we are doing and going through, how are we to then grow spiritually?

Galatians 5:16-18, 24-26 " So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law...Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

Galatians 5:19-23 "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies and things like these.  I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

The message is clear, if we are filled with things within us that go against what is needed to achieve Spiritual Growth, we've got to look deep inside ourselves so that we can insure that we are not doing those things that area against the Spiritual Growth that we are striving to achieve.  Some things listed are plainly evident and easy to see, right out there on the surface; but others such as envy are sometimes buried deeper and need a closer inspection.  Without us consciously understanding and seeing the realities under the waterline within our own lives, we would be fooling ourselves into thinking that we are indeed ready to grow spiritually and will struggle with being able to do so.  Would you want to show up at the time of our judgment with those "extras" still stuffed inside you?

Mosaic

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.

Isaiah 58:12

MOSAIC
At 16, she clearly had more street smarts than most people do at twice her age. On the surface, she was really kind of a mess to look at. Her skin bore the evidence of darker days, as superficial scars covered her wrists and thighs. She had hoped that causing pain on the outside would alleviate the pain on the inside, but that only worked for a little while. She also sported a couple of not-very-well-done tattoos and several piercings that I could see. She grinned a little and mentioned that there were others, but I left that subject alone.

I wanted to know more about her. Her parents were drug addicts; high on whatever they could buy or steal most of her life. At age 7 she was living with them in a tent by a lake, and it was at that age she learned to smoke by sneaking leftover cigarettes when they were passed out. By 10 she was an alcoholic, and by 13 had used almost every street drug known. At some point she could no longer self-medicate her reality, and she began to think about ending her life. By anyone's standards, her life was a pile of shattered pieces. Then she met this boy. A really good boy. Who told her she was smart. And funny. And beautiful. And who believed in her. One by one, with patience and care, he began to glue her life back together. Piece by shattered piece. Until she was off drugs. And alcohol free. And in a GED program. And thinking about the future, and marriage, and being a mom someday. 'My life is a mosaic,' she told me. 'There are a lot of pieces, but now they fit together to make a picture.' Not just a picture. A masterpiece. A beautiful work of art.

PRAYER FOR THE BROKEN: Thank you Father for Your amazing love. Show these kids that whatever they have brought in with them to that shelter or foster home, You can wipe it clean. Show them there is love for them, healing for them, and hope for them. Help them feel Your amazing grace. Amen

WOW, just wow!  I’ve often thought of myself as a “Humpty Dumpty” that has fallen off the wall and have had to slowly piece myself back together once again, but I so much like this outlook much better! lol

How many of us have had to piece ourselves together again?  Grabbing our self esteem from here, our ability to trust from waaayyyy over there, and have had to slowly piece ourselves together like a Mosaic?  Many of us have, and I truly feel like it says above, that each and every one of us are a masterpiece just waiting to be finished.

Let’s add to the prayer above.  Let’s pray for all those that have gone through abuse, domestic violence, rape, bullying, all and every type of demeaning and degrading styles of harm there are out there.  Pray that they will feel the Love not only from Our Father, but from all of us that are out here to support them through to their healing, their piecing together.  Lord, give them the strength they need to get through, and open their eyes so that they may see your Love for them, whether they are pieced together or not.  Amen

Chronic

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

9 The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9

CHRONIC

In medicine, some health conditions never go away. They irritate and nag and keep you from functioning at full strength. They suck the energy out of you. Some life conditions do that too. She was 17, and counting the days until her birthday when she could be 'out on her own'. She was going to move in with a friend, she told me, and try to get a job, although she had only completed the 9th grade so far, and thought that being employed at a fast food restaurant was her best option. She answered my questions in a somewhat robotic, monotonous voice, and she seemed almost able to predict what the question was before I had asked it. Until I asked about her family. Then the robot vanished. Her voice shook, and her eyes filled with pain. Lots of it. First in foster care at age 2. Back and forth between the system and home until she was school-age. Parent's rights terminated. In several foster homes. Then adopted. Until it got hard. Then back into foster care. Now, almost on her own. But with no hope, no future, no life. Just pain. Chronic, long-standing pain. An aspirin won't fix that. Only one thing will - love. Massive, overwhelming, unconditional love. And she hasn't found that yet.

OMG how I know about chronic illness, and how much it just drains you!  I never saw a connection to that and how our life conditions can do the same, but thinking back, I can see it plainly…

I’ve met many woman that have not only gone through Domestic Violence but through child abuse as well, and the on going abuse throughout their life has just drained them so bad!  Not knowing anymore who to trust, or if to trust anyone anymore.  Not knowing if they can be loved for who they were, many times not knowing anymore themselves who they are anymore.  It not only just drains the life out of you, but drains who you are!

There is no quick fix for that.  There is no magic pill any doctor can prescribe that will make it go away.  Healing can happen though, again nothing quick, a lot of work involved and a lot of baby steps, but it can be done!  Finding a support system while healing is so crucial.  People around you that will be there through the good times and the bad.  Friends that will support you even in your lowest days.  Sometimes this is hard to find, and when all else fails, just remember that you can reach towards God for that unconditional love that you may not be able to find.   

REDEMPTION

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:10 Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10

REDEMPTION

Through the thin walls, she could hear the screaming of her step-dad. Cursing. Crashing. Drunken rage being taken out yet again on her family. She wished she could disappear. Wanted to die. That seemed so much more peaceful a place. But not an option - not to her. Her eyes swept across the tiny bedroom, searching for something to relieve the pain. She reached for a nearby wooden pencil. Its eraser was long gone, and the bent metal end provided an avenue for the escape she was so desperate to find. The aluminum cut into her skin, etching the first letters of a message - HATE - onto her side. Tears from the pain of the cut mixed with tears from the pain in her heart and rolled down her cheeks. Then, her soul quieted, as her heavenly Papa gathered her into his arms and held her close. His voice, His truth flooded her mind, and spilled out onto the worn notebook lying beside her bed. 'I know you, I love you. I liberate you, I light your path. I provide you with friends and a way out when you are stuck. I'm your healer and your guide. You are valuable, you have a future. You are my precious daughter' The pencil, a tool Satan meant for evil, God used for good. The same pencil that started off destructive, making temporary imprints in her flesh, God used to carve a permanent note of redemption on her heart.

And yet, so many still state that children are not affected by Domestic Violence, oh how wrong they are.  How can a child that sees and hears the violence not be affected by it?  Just because them themselves don’t carry the physical bruising that the world can see?  Yet, they do carry the scars and bruises deep on the inside that are hidden, and that many of us know and understand can at times be harder to heal then the physical bruising.

I was a cutter as a teen, I can understand cutting and why someone would turn to it.  It’s a release, it’s a visual that you are indeed hurt and bleeding and that the hurt you are feeling is warranted (ever heard the saying “You’re ok, you’re not bleeding”?).  So many try to make cutting into such a worse light, for so many cutters it’s them trying to make sense out of the emotions and hurt they are feeling, it’s their expressing that hurt in a way that isn’t healthy.  Thankfully I stopped cutting long ago, but I know adults that still do it, and I pray that they and others that cut find peace and another outlet for their pain and head towards healing.  Like any addiction, cutting can be hard to stop, but it can be done!  Turn towards God for strength and healing, turn towards those that lift you up and don’t put you down, turn towards a healthy, happy life and those cuts will heal…

YOU CAN FLY

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Corinthians 15:58

YOU CAN FLY
I love to fly. I always choose a window seat right over the wing, near the jets so I can best hear the roar of the engines and watch the wing shape change as we take off and land. But I always find myself doubting that it will even work, that the plane can even get off the ground. There is too much weight. People. Baggage. And it starts too slowly - those first few feet of movement are painfully slow. But the thing about a plane is, it was made to fly. It was shaped in a specific way, and it was equipped with engines that are capable of producing tremendous thrust, if they are fueled properly. Once it gets in the air, it seems like it could stay there forever with very little effort. Foster kids come weighed down too. With lots of baggage. I was molested, so now I don't trust men. Or I use my body to get what I want. I was physically abused, and now I believe I am to blame for whatever I get, so I move from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. My emotional needs weren't met, so now I suck the life out of others, desperately trying to fill up my own soul.

It is easy to believe that a kid carrying that kind of weight won't be able to get off the ground. But the truth is, they, like all humans, were made to fly. Born for it. But they need fuel. They need us to provide the thing that powers them. Encouragement. Expectation. Opportunity. Love. Hope. Without it, they are grounded. With it, if they can get off the ground, they might just fly forever. Are you willing to fuel someone's hopes and dreams? Willing to mentor? To tutor? To help a kid dream then help them achieve that dream? Are you willing to help someone fly?

I LOVE this reading plan! 

I love how the writer put this, and even though this is dealing with children, the same thing can be said for the adult survivors of all types of abuse.  Our wings get clipped and we don’t know that we can even fly much less remember how after going through hell.  We all need help to find our feet again and to become steady once again, to find ourselves and learn who we are once again before we can even think about learning how to spread our wings and fly.  It takes time, but healing is possible, flying is possible! 

I shared this even though this is more of a message to Advocates and those healed enough to help others, because it also puts to mind that advocates are needed!  It’s so hard to get through healing from abuse alone, quite frankly it sucks having too, and I truly feel that Survivors really need to reach out and help those that are going through what they went through now.  Those of us that have been through the abuse know and understand the full picture and can be of such a help to those that are out there now struggling through it!  So, if you are a healed Survivor, and you are willing and able to reach out to your brother and sister survivors, please do so!  If you don’t know how, contact us!  We’ll help steer you in the right direction.

For the Survivors out there still struggling through your personal hell, know that there IS hope and that you CAN heal and that you are NOT alone!  So many have gone through the abuse and have healed, you can too!  Hang in there, reach out, and know that someday you will heal and you will Fly again!

Healing Touch

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

Luke 10:33-34

HEALING TOUCH
People go the doctor to be healed. To get relief from their pain. But I don't always know how to heal. Don't always know what to say or what to do. She was 14, with thick auburn hair that fell in unruly layers around her face. She was beautiful, but rough. Even in her short years she had experienced her share of hardship, and it showed, in the stiffness of her posture and the edge in her voice. I found out that she was in 8th grade, and liked math but didn't want anyone to think she was a nerd. She had a brother but didn't get to see him much. She was not a stranger to foster care - had slept in other people's homes off and on for as long as she could remember. Said she'd learned how to fold towels 'correctly' 10 different ways.

As she talked, she waved her arms and I saw them. Words carved across her knuckles. Others over the back of her hands and up her forearms. HATE. WORTHLESS. CRAZY. Scabbed. Fresh. Evidence of pain that extended much deeper than the wounds that marked her skin. She seemed surprised when I touched her arms, gently massaging antibiotic ointment into each line, grieving with each stroke. How do I fix that kind of pain? How do I speak life to someone who has only known death? I don't always know how to heal. But I do know how to touch, how to provide the most basic of human contact. So do you. Are you willing?

I know I had some trouble figuring out how to blog onto this blog, I don’t know bible passages by heart, I don’t feel that I speak like I guess I thought someone should that is doing this, and then I realized…God gave me the gifts He did for a reason and all I had to do was share myself here…what a revelation!  So often we don’t know how to help, don’t know how to help someone heal, just don’t know what to do.  Sometimes it’s that smallest action though that truly can make a difference!  So often it’s not in the saying but in the doing and the actions that come out of it.

I used to cut, I know how deep pain can go, I know how it is to put a mask on so that the outside world would think you’re just fine while you are dying inside.  Reach out to your friends, to your Pastor, your teacher, your whoever!  Even if you can’t tell them you are hurting or in pain, spend time with them, the likely hood is they already know but don’t know how to help…