Getting Married - The Feelings of a Domestic Violence Survivor

I sit here, racing through my mind are all of the things I have to do before Saturday when I get married...

I'm excited to get married to my fiance, along with that though are so many thoughts about finally getting to the day when I can shed of yet more of my abused past...I finally get to get rid of the last name of my past abuser that has reminded me often of that time!  I will no longer be that victim, that wife, that ex-wife...I will no longer be connected through name with my abuser!

This in itself is not understandable fully to those that have not been through Domestic Violence...yet I know that there are many out there that have who will understand the euphoria that I feel at this time!  And the introspective thoughts and feelings that I'm feeling at this time as well...

I could have changed my name at any time to my maiden name...yet that again is someone of the past that I did not want to take on again.  It feels like chapters of my life finally being closed!

Purple is the main color of our wedding...not only is it my favorite color but it also is there in honor of the color of Domestic Violence Awareness.   Butterflies and crosses are our theme...symbolizing not only the resurrection of Jesus,  but also the resurrection that He has brought to us through His selfless gift of His life and death and resurrection.

The butterfly...the cocoon...the metamorphosis into the butterfly each one of us can be!  There's been times that I feel I've become that butterfly, yet there's been many times I feel that I'm still in that cocoon, transforming, being molded into the butterfly that has yet to emerge.  Getting married, that, I feel, is yet another transformation within that cocoon and I can't wait to emerge soon into that butterfly!  Ooohhh, so much that I would love to accomplish!

I can't wait until Saturday...I have decided to make all of our items for the tables and for our friends and family that will come to support us.  While making these items, I have plans on using them again after the wedding towards DV Awareness.  DV Awareness, I feel, doesn't have to be all about the pain and the suffering that many of us go through while being abused, but also about the fact that it can be overcome!!!  The cycle can be stopped!!!  Us "Survivors" can have happiness again!!!

I plan on giving a speech at our reception...please pray that I can get through it!  I HATE talking in public! LOL  I want to share with them these feelings and more...I want them to understand why this day is not only important for me as a "Survivor", but also for my fiance as a past addict!  Oh the road we have traveled to get to this day!  Talk about Amazing Grace!!!  It is only by the Grace of God that we are making it to this day!

Sisters, don't give up!!!  If any of you are sitting there reading this and you have not come to a place of living again, know that you too can make it!  If I can, anyone can!!!  We aren't supposed to live with inglings of the past, and through time, as if in a cocoon being transformed, you too will have parts of your life better left behind shed from you!

For those of you that are Advocates or supporting someone that is going through or has been through Domestic Violence, Support is soooo important!  None of us have all the answers...None of us can take that mantel from the victim to transform them into the butterfly we all know they can be...Yet all of us can Support those going through their transformation to become that butterfly they are yet to be!  It can take years...it can be nerve racking...believe me, I've met other "Survivors" and one thing we all hold on to dearly is independence.  This sometimes hurts us more than helps us, yet, every one of us truly appreciate the Support of a patient friend who doesn't give up to us and loves us no matter what mistakes we may make.

I just wanted to share some of these feelings with you...and pray that it reaches someone that needs to read this.  I know I'm not the first to remarry after abuse, and I have to wonder how they felt through this time?  Did they tear up when they think/feel the euphoria of the transformation?  If you have gone through this time please, share your feelings!  It is soooo important that we share our triumphs and not always the bad!

God Bless & Keep You Safe!  Thank You for supporting me through the years...you also play a part in my Transformation!

~Angel Hugz~
Tracy

Do you feel an Abuser can Truly be a Christian?

Let’s be real here, we have Christians that are abusers within our churches and within our communities. This is nothing new, yet it seems that it’s yet another topic that so many don’t want to talk about. We have abusive Fathers, Mothers, Husbands, and Wives wearing the “Mask of Christianity”. We have ministers that are abusing and even killing their wives. We have Pastors who abuse their wives and children; we have Priests that molest young boys…

This isn’t anything new! This is a societal issue; we have abusers in all facets of society! There are abusers who are doctors, lawyers, political officials, police officers, judges, clerks, waiters, waitresses, trash truck drivers…so why is it such a surprise we have them as Christians as well? 1 in 4 (this is what the common statistic states as of today, although I truly believe it’s more like 1 in 3) women are affected by abuse, and this doesn’t even touch the men that are abused (1 in 7) as well! How many people sit in your church every Sunday? How many do you see shopping at Walmart, in the mall, or on the roads daily? How many are abuse victims? More importantly, how many are abusers?

Colossians 3:19

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Forgiving Our Abusers

This is such a touchy subject, and something that is so hard to do…

Last week I was speaking to a friend of mine and she was asking about some of my past…she is not a survivor of abuse yet works for abused children so understands to an extent what abuse is like.  She was surprised that I have been able to forgive my abusers like I have, and that really got me thinking…

So many of us really struggle with forgiving our abusers, I know I did!  Let me tell you, it wasn’t something I did over night, and honestly, the end result I don’t even think I did myself…

Matthew 6:14 (NKJV)

14“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Words that describe the Devil

There is a reason for sharing this…

About a month back I went to a women’s conference where she shared different words from the Bible that described the Devil, and it really dawned on me…those words can also describe an Abuser!  Read through and let me know what you think!

Father of Lies, Son of the Morning, Deceiver, Miserable

Genesis 3 (Revelation 12:9), the Serpent
Matthew 4, the Temper
John 8:44, a murderer from the beginning and the father of all lies
John 10:10, a thief
John 12:31-32 (2 Corinthians 4:4), the ruler/god of this world/age
Ephesians 2:1-2, the prince of the power of the air
Ephesians 6:16, the wicked one
1 Peter 5:8, a roaring lion
1 John 3:8, a sinner from the beginning
Revelation 9:11, Abaddon (destruction) and Apollyon (destroyer)
Revelation 12:9, the great dragon and deceiver of the world

Satan is the source of the knowledge of good and evil which is defined by law, the creator of sin, sinner, crime, criminal, and therefore, evil. Law, which is our source of the knowledge of good and evil, is a restriction of the freedom God granted all life forms, and is the creator of rule, power, and authority which are defined as the enemies of God at 1st Corinthians 15:24-25.

Revelations 12: 9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

Mosaic

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.

Isaiah 58:12

MOSAIC
At 16, she clearly had more street smarts than most people do at twice her age. On the surface, she was really kind of a mess to look at. Her skin bore the evidence of darker days, as superficial scars covered her wrists and thighs. She had hoped that causing pain on the outside would alleviate the pain on the inside, but that only worked for a little while. She also sported a couple of not-very-well-done tattoos and several piercings that I could see. She grinned a little and mentioned that there were others, but I left that subject alone.

I wanted to know more about her. Her parents were drug addicts; high on whatever they could buy or steal most of her life. At age 7 she was living with them in a tent by a lake, and it was at that age she learned to smoke by sneaking leftover cigarettes when they were passed out. By 10 she was an alcoholic, and by 13 had used almost every street drug known. At some point she could no longer self-medicate her reality, and she began to think about ending her life. By anyone's standards, her life was a pile of shattered pieces. Then she met this boy. A really good boy. Who told her she was smart. And funny. And beautiful. And who believed in her. One by one, with patience and care, he began to glue her life back together. Piece by shattered piece. Until she was off drugs. And alcohol free. And in a GED program. And thinking about the future, and marriage, and being a mom someday. 'My life is a mosaic,' she told me. 'There are a lot of pieces, but now they fit together to make a picture.' Not just a picture. A masterpiece. A beautiful work of art.

PRAYER FOR THE BROKEN: Thank you Father for Your amazing love. Show these kids that whatever they have brought in with them to that shelter or foster home, You can wipe it clean. Show them there is love for them, healing for them, and hope for them. Help them feel Your amazing grace. Amen

WOW, just wow!  I’ve often thought of myself as a “Humpty Dumpty” that has fallen off the wall and have had to slowly piece myself back together once again, but I so much like this outlook much better! lol

How many of us have had to piece ourselves together again?  Grabbing our self esteem from here, our ability to trust from waaayyyy over there, and have had to slowly piece ourselves together like a Mosaic?  Many of us have, and I truly feel like it says above, that each and every one of us are a masterpiece just waiting to be finished.

Let’s add to the prayer above.  Let’s pray for all those that have gone through abuse, domestic violence, rape, bullying, all and every type of demeaning and degrading styles of harm there are out there.  Pray that they will feel the Love not only from Our Father, but from all of us that are out here to support them through to their healing, their piecing together.  Lord, give them the strength they need to get through, and open their eyes so that they may see your Love for them, whether they are pieced together or not.  Amen

Chronic

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

9 The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9

CHRONIC

In medicine, some health conditions never go away. They irritate and nag and keep you from functioning at full strength. They suck the energy out of you. Some life conditions do that too. She was 17, and counting the days until her birthday when she could be 'out on her own'. She was going to move in with a friend, she told me, and try to get a job, although she had only completed the 9th grade so far, and thought that being employed at a fast food restaurant was her best option. She answered my questions in a somewhat robotic, monotonous voice, and she seemed almost able to predict what the question was before I had asked it. Until I asked about her family. Then the robot vanished. Her voice shook, and her eyes filled with pain. Lots of it. First in foster care at age 2. Back and forth between the system and home until she was school-age. Parent's rights terminated. In several foster homes. Then adopted. Until it got hard. Then back into foster care. Now, almost on her own. But with no hope, no future, no life. Just pain. Chronic, long-standing pain. An aspirin won't fix that. Only one thing will - love. Massive, overwhelming, unconditional love. And she hasn't found that yet.

OMG how I know about chronic illness, and how much it just drains you!  I never saw a connection to that and how our life conditions can do the same, but thinking back, I can see it plainly…

I’ve met many woman that have not only gone through Domestic Violence but through child abuse as well, and the on going abuse throughout their life has just drained them so bad!  Not knowing anymore who to trust, or if to trust anyone anymore.  Not knowing if they can be loved for who they were, many times not knowing anymore themselves who they are anymore.  It not only just drains the life out of you, but drains who you are!

There is no quick fix for that.  There is no magic pill any doctor can prescribe that will make it go away.  Healing can happen though, again nothing quick, a lot of work involved and a lot of baby steps, but it can be done!  Finding a support system while healing is so crucial.  People around you that will be there through the good times and the bad.  Friends that will support you even in your lowest days.  Sometimes this is hard to find, and when all else fails, just remember that you can reach towards God for that unconditional love that you may not be able to find.   

REDEMPTION

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:10 Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10

REDEMPTION

Through the thin walls, she could hear the screaming of her step-dad. Cursing. Crashing. Drunken rage being taken out yet again on her family. She wished she could disappear. Wanted to die. That seemed so much more peaceful a place. But not an option - not to her. Her eyes swept across the tiny bedroom, searching for something to relieve the pain. She reached for a nearby wooden pencil. Its eraser was long gone, and the bent metal end provided an avenue for the escape she was so desperate to find. The aluminum cut into her skin, etching the first letters of a message - HATE - onto her side. Tears from the pain of the cut mixed with tears from the pain in her heart and rolled down her cheeks. Then, her soul quieted, as her heavenly Papa gathered her into his arms and held her close. His voice, His truth flooded her mind, and spilled out onto the worn notebook lying beside her bed. 'I know you, I love you. I liberate you, I light your path. I provide you with friends and a way out when you are stuck. I'm your healer and your guide. You are valuable, you have a future. You are my precious daughter' The pencil, a tool Satan meant for evil, God used for good. The same pencil that started off destructive, making temporary imprints in her flesh, God used to carve a permanent note of redemption on her heart.

And yet, so many still state that children are not affected by Domestic Violence, oh how wrong they are.  How can a child that sees and hears the violence not be affected by it?  Just because them themselves don’t carry the physical bruising that the world can see?  Yet, they do carry the scars and bruises deep on the inside that are hidden, and that many of us know and understand can at times be harder to heal then the physical bruising.

I was a cutter as a teen, I can understand cutting and why someone would turn to it.  It’s a release, it’s a visual that you are indeed hurt and bleeding and that the hurt you are feeling is warranted (ever heard the saying “You’re ok, you’re not bleeding”?).  So many try to make cutting into such a worse light, for so many cutters it’s them trying to make sense out of the emotions and hurt they are feeling, it’s their expressing that hurt in a way that isn’t healthy.  Thankfully I stopped cutting long ago, but I know adults that still do it, and I pray that they and others that cut find peace and another outlet for their pain and head towards healing.  Like any addiction, cutting can be hard to stop, but it can be done!  Turn towards God for strength and healing, turn towards those that lift you up and don’t put you down, turn towards a healthy, happy life and those cuts will heal…

YOU CAN FLY

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Corinthians 15:58

YOU CAN FLY
I love to fly. I always choose a window seat right over the wing, near the jets so I can best hear the roar of the engines and watch the wing shape change as we take off and land. But I always find myself doubting that it will even work, that the plane can even get off the ground. There is too much weight. People. Baggage. And it starts too slowly - those first few feet of movement are painfully slow. But the thing about a plane is, it was made to fly. It was shaped in a specific way, and it was equipped with engines that are capable of producing tremendous thrust, if they are fueled properly. Once it gets in the air, it seems like it could stay there forever with very little effort. Foster kids come weighed down too. With lots of baggage. I was molested, so now I don't trust men. Or I use my body to get what I want. I was physically abused, and now I believe I am to blame for whatever I get, so I move from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. My emotional needs weren't met, so now I suck the life out of others, desperately trying to fill up my own soul.

It is easy to believe that a kid carrying that kind of weight won't be able to get off the ground. But the truth is, they, like all humans, were made to fly. Born for it. But they need fuel. They need us to provide the thing that powers them. Encouragement. Expectation. Opportunity. Love. Hope. Without it, they are grounded. With it, if they can get off the ground, they might just fly forever. Are you willing to fuel someone's hopes and dreams? Willing to mentor? To tutor? To help a kid dream then help them achieve that dream? Are you willing to help someone fly?

I LOVE this reading plan! 

I love how the writer put this, and even though this is dealing with children, the same thing can be said for the adult survivors of all types of abuse.  Our wings get clipped and we don’t know that we can even fly much less remember how after going through hell.  We all need help to find our feet again and to become steady once again, to find ourselves and learn who we are once again before we can even think about learning how to spread our wings and fly.  It takes time, but healing is possible, flying is possible! 

I shared this even though this is more of a message to Advocates and those healed enough to help others, because it also puts to mind that advocates are needed!  It’s so hard to get through healing from abuse alone, quite frankly it sucks having too, and I truly feel that Survivors really need to reach out and help those that are going through what they went through now.  Those of us that have been through the abuse know and understand the full picture and can be of such a help to those that are out there now struggling through it!  So, if you are a healed Survivor, and you are willing and able to reach out to your brother and sister survivors, please do so!  If you don’t know how, contact us!  We’ll help steer you in the right direction.

For the Survivors out there still struggling through your personal hell, know that there IS hope and that you CAN heal and that you are NOT alone!  So many have gone through the abuse and have healed, you can too!  Hang in there, reach out, and know that someday you will heal and you will Fly again!

A SAFE PLACE

From YouVersion Reading Plan: Fostering Hope

8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:8

When I was growing up, safety was the last thing on my mind. We didn't lock our house, left our car running when we made a quick trip into the store, and walked everywhere without our parents. Not only was my community safe, my home was safe. There were no locks on bedroom doors; no worries about what might happen when my dad came home, or what my mom might be doing in the next room. That's not true for every child. She was 10 when I met her. She still possessed a child's frame, with barely any evidence that she had begun the journey to womanhood. She looked fearful as she entered the exam room, and that fear increased in magnitude when I shut the door. I quickly explained that nothing would hurt, there wouldn't be any shots - assuming that like most kids, her concern was about seeing a doctor. But the look on her face didn't soften. I touched her arm, hoping to reassure her, but she recoiled as if I had punched her. I saw her glance quickly at the male medical student who was with me, and I began to understand her concern.

He and I had reviewed her basic info before the visit - the police report stated that she had been sexually abused by a couple of male family members for the last year. She had finally told her best friend at school, who told the teacher, and now here she was. Safe. At least from our point of view. But safety is not just a location, not just about being in a place where you aren't harmed. It is a state of mind. It is being in a mental place where a door closing doesn't cause your heart to race. It is being able to experience healthy, normal human touch without withdrawing. It is about being able to sleep without wondering when your night is going to be interrupted. Safety is more than separation from danger. It is finding a place where you are loved, accepted, and cherished. Where body, soul, and spirit can thrive. THAT is the kind of safety we must seek to provide.

As always, reading this reading plan really hits home…  Those of us that have been through the abuse, not only as a child but as an adult, can truly step into that little girls shoes…  At first while I read this, and came to the part where he didn’t see ahead that she would be afraid of a man being in the room with her during her examination baffled me, then I understood; those that haven’t been through the abuse or haven’t been touched by it can’t understand how far and how primal that fear goes.  How a sound, a smell, a feeling or a sight can take you right back into that place of fear. 

I remember the days when a sound, a slammed door even, would trigger me and my body and mind would automatically go on the defensive.  Thankfully I’m not so bad now, although I still hate any doors being slammed, or someone coming in the room with a sour look on their face or looking pissy (I always ask what’s wrong, usually get a ‘nothing’ as an answer lol).  It’s those little things that add up for those of us that have Survived abuse.  I will honestly say that it does take a long time to heal, it isn’t easy, it isn’t fast, we can’t always measure it and so often we tend to go backwards or sideways in our healing, but that’s to be expected!

I’ve always looked at it like a pathway of healing…imagine a stepping stone path, you first come to woods on that path, densely grown and downright scary.  No telling what’s in those woods, what’s watching, the rustle of leaves gets you jumping.  Now, imagine continuing down that path, only to have it fork at times back towards the way you came, almost coming beside the original path you began on!  Then slowly, ever slowly, the path continues and those dense woods become less dense, the sun shines just a little more, the darkness recedes… At times the path still goes back a bit, but thankfully never back to the denseness that we began at!  Again, slowly, you continue down that path, which now has forks and turns that you just aren’t sure of and decisions to make, never sure which path to leave behind, and which way to go.  The good news is that as long as we choose to heal, to go down the paths that are safe and away from the darkness of our path, we will eventually come to the point where the path comes out into the sunshine! 

I can honestly tell you that my Faith in God has brought me through this path and has helped me steer clear of the dense darkness that plagued my past.  It’s made the trek through the turmoil easier, it’s made healing easier, and I’ve never had to do it alone.  I know for me when I went through the abuse I was alone in it, I didn’t have anyone to turn to or to talk to about the abuse, or about how to heal or what to do.  Those that I did talk to seemed to give good advice, but I just couldn’t connect to it.  Healing is hard, letting go of our past and learning to live in the present can be hard too, but it can be achieved!  Through God, He takes our burdens, our past, that darkness, and gives us a chance to heal.  Nope, still not easy, but if you’re anything like me, when has anything really been easy? lol  I can say this though, being healed of our past is worth fighting for…

A Prayer of Faith in Times of Distress

I use YouVersion for managing my daily Bible Study and Reading.  I just started the Life Application Study Bible ® Devotion  reading plan and thought the first reading would be helpful for others.  As I go through my reading plans (I have more than one going at a time) I will post here those that I feel have some meaning or that may be helpful to various things survivors of domestic violence may be experiencing.

Psalm 6:6 - I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears.

Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy.

The above verse and additional notes from YouVersion tells us two main things; be honest with God and do not hold onto to our anger.  Turn our anger over to God.  Regardless of whether we are angry with ourselves or with others, turn it over to God, trust Him to help you deal with it.  After reading this I decided to go look further... what does the rest of this particular Psalm say? 

After reading all of Psalm 6 I thought it may make a good prayer in its entirety.  I’ve copied it below for quick reference when you may be feeling overwhelmed, angry beyond reason, depressed or distressed either physically, mentally (emotionally) or spiritually.

This prayer of faith to use in times of distress says several things to us.  It tells us to trust in God and be honest with Him about what our troubles are.  It tells us to turn our distresses over to Him and know that He will handle them.  It also gives us hope to go on, knowing that God has heard our plea and prayer and will help us in His loving way.

Psalm 6 - 1 O LORD, don’t rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage.2 Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak.  Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.3 I am sick at heart.  How long, O LORD, until you restore me?4 Return, O LORD, and rescue me.  Save me because of your unfailing love.5 For the dead do not remember you.  Who can praise you from the grave?t6 I am worn out from sobbing.  All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.7 My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.8 Go away, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping.9 The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer.10 May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.  May they suddenly turn back in shame.

There are basically four things that David is saying in Psalm 6.  First he makes a petition for God’s mercy in time of distress, then he immediately praises God and states that praise comes from the living.  Then David describes his suffering and knowing that God has heard him he reprimands his enemies.

I welcome your comments!

What does the Bible say about Domestic Violence?

Scripture References Related to Abuse

Brian Tubbs
Mar 2, 2010
Did husbands beat their wives in the Bible? Domestic violence is not new. Domestic abuse was as real in Bible times as today. What does the Bible say about abuse?
Victims of domestic violence should know that the Bible contains clear, unmistakable declarations against any form of physical or verbal abuse. Those who seek to justify abuse by turning to the pages of the Bible are guilty not only of harming others, but also of distorting God's Word to suit their nefarious and deplorable actions.

Scripture References Related to Abuse

While some husbands undoubtedly beat their wives in Bible times as some husbands do today, it's generally believed that this was never God's plan or design for the home. On the contrary, the Bible repeatedly calls on people to show kindness, generosity, and love to one another, and specifically condemns the abuse of wives and children. Here are a few Scripture references related to abuse and the proper treatment that husbands, in particular, should extend to a wife:

• "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." ~Ephesians 5:28-29, NKJV
• "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." ~Ephesians 4:31, NKJV
• "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." ~Colossians 3:19, NIV
• "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard." ~I Peter 3:7, NIV
• "The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, but violence covers the mouth of the wicked." ~Proverbs 10:11, NKJV
• "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." ~James 1:19-20, NKJV

The Bible also exhorts fathers not to provoke their children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4) and to see children as a blessing and "heritage" from the Lord (Psalm 127:3).
In several passages, the Bible also promises God's attention to the poor, needy, and oppressed (Psalm 22:24; Psalm 140:12; Psalm 103:6) and exhorts God's followers to support and help those suffering affliction (Isaiah 1:17; Hebrews 13:3).

What Should Victims of Abuse Do?

In the face of abuse, Christians believe that victims should seek help from God and from those capable of extending support and assistance. Some find prayer beneficial – prayers for wisdom, grace, and protection should be offered fervently and consistently. But don't stop at prayer.

When a spouse is faced with abuse, Christians believe that she (or he) should follow the general advice Paul gives in his letter to the church at Rome. In that epistle, Paul writes: "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18, NKJV).

Being a general principle, it is applicable to all situations, including the home. There comes a point when it's simply not possible to live at peace. When that point comes, the biblical principle of protecting oneself and others kicks in (Psalm 82:4; Proverbs 24:11; Nehemiah 4:12-14). As for how to implement that principle, victims of abuse should consult with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for advice on their particular situation.

Biblical Homes – No Abuse or Violence

Christians believe that God never sides with an abusive husband or father (or abusive wife or mother, for that matter). According to modern Christian beliefs, abuse is completely inconsistent with God's standard for the home. What does a biblical home look like?

Christian ideology holds that God's standard for a biblical home begins with marriage. According to God's design, marriage involves leaving the father and mother and joining together with one's spouse (Genesis 2:24). That marriage is to be a lifelong commitment, based on two people coming together in love and in the sight of God (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9).

Studies, in fact, have shown that marriage is statistically safer for women and children, when it comes to domestic violence. Of course, it's vital that spouses enter into a marriage relationship for the right reasons and with a healthy assessment of each other. A wife, for example, has the right to demand that her husband will love her unconditionally, treat her kindly and with respect, and value both her and any children that come into the marriage. This is indeed what the marital vows are all about and it's one reason why premarital counseling is important.

In the Christian school of thought, a truly biblical home, one where both spouses strive to act according to God's standard for marriage, there is unconditional love, mutual submission, sexual intimacy, kindness, mercy, and a lifelong commitment (Matthew 19:4-9; I Corinthians 7:2-5; I Corinthians 13; Ephesians 5; Colossians 3:18-21).

In such a marriage, the husband does not set himself up as a dictator, but rather as a servant, modeling Jesus Christ and commits to loving his wife as Jesus loved and gave himself for the church. In such a context, abuse and violence are clearly egregious sins. Not only does an abusive husband do great harm to the one he is to love and cherish, but he has plainly deviated from God's standard.

While many professing Christians tragically engage in verbal or physical abuse, Christians believe that this has never been God's design and that domestic violence has no place in a truly biblical home.

Read more at Suite101: What Does The Bible Say About Domestic Violence?: Scripture References Related to Abuse | Suite101.com http://www.suite101.com/content/what-does-the-bible-say-about-domestic-violence-a208402#ixzz1L7Eg5W56